Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
