then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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