I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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