Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
