omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
You can't motorboat a personality
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
My liver just had a heart attack.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
