when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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