do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
