got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
