Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Randomize
