this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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