I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Randomize
