I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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