look no pants
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
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