My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just invented taco cereal.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
