all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
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I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Please don't give away my fajitas
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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