Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
