My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
