Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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