Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
