I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
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