Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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