omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
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