He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
i out mim tonsoeep
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