you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
