There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
