3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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