I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I know her cup size but not her name....
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
