I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
