I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
