i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
