I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
