Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
