It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
