your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
the liver wants what the liver wants
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
