I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
