You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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