if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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