she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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