no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
