i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
