I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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