i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
