I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
