I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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