I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
