My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
