I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
