In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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