I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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