Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
