i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
