Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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