Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
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No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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