somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
