got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
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whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
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My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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