we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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