A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
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