theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
