It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
