I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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