So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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