I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
